Earlier this summer, I went to see Wonder Woman at the movie theater. I rarely go to theaters anymore; I’m not a huge movie buff and I prefer being able to pause a movie for snacks or a bathroom break. But I felt it was important to see this one in the theater: It’s been more than 75 years since Wonder Woman’s creation and this was her first feature movie (see this Fortune or Mashable article for more background); it had a female director, rare in the superhero/action movie genre; and many people thought a bad showing would damage future opportunities for women both behind and in front of the camera. So not only did I want to see Wonder Woman for the character and the story, but for larger societal implications. Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. Did I have some quibbles with it? Sure; but this isn’t a movie review.
So why did I bring up Wonder Woman? Because I feel I have to be her. I would describe myself as a confident woman. I believe I come across as one. But hidden behind that, I expend a lot of mental energy on convincing myself that I’m good enough, that I’m competent, that I deserve and have earned my success. Simply put, like many people, I have a case of impostor syndrome.
Impostor syndrome, according to the Harvard Business Review, “can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Impostors’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.” In the past, impostor syndrome was perceived to be more common in women, but more recent research (as described in this Slate article) has shown it affects all genders.
Unfortunately, women not only have to deal with their internalized impostor syndrome, but also very real instances of gender discrimination, sexual harassment, and sexism, meaning we not only have to convince ourselves, but also society that we’re good enough. I still distinctly remember being told by someone in my office at my first real job post-college (at the ripe old age of 21) that there was a rumor that I had slept with my boss to get the job. They didn’t care that I was a college graduate in an entry-level job that had been promoted from a part-time temporary gig because they liked my work. Or that I had graduated from said college a year early. Or that I was good at my job. In their minds, I had to be sleeping with someone old enough to be my grandfather (who was never in any way inappropriate toward me), because I didn’t deserve it.
So I know I’m not alone when I say I feel I can’t be normal, I can’t be average – I have to be better than. I have to be Wonder Woman. Not only to combat my own impostor syndrome, but to combat the rest of the world.
There’s always been some impostor syndrome feelings floating around inside of me, but they strongly increased when I made the decision last year to go freelance. It’s a lot easier to be confident when you’re in a routine – when you’re accustomed to the work you’re doing day-in and day-out and you’ve established a reputation among your coworkers for being competent and reliable. It’s much more difficult when you are pitching yourself to clients, must convince them to hire you, and then need to follow that up by proving yourself. You’re only as good as your last deliverable.
To make clients believe, I first have to convince myself. I know that I have more than a decade of experience in the communication field; I know that I’m educated, intelligent, and capable. I know I’m not making promises I can’t fulfill. I know that I can get new clients at a reasonable rate without resorting to underbidding. I know that I’m good at what I do. But I still have to remind myself of that over and over again.
Even after just writing all those positive statements about myself, my first instinct here was to write – “Thankfully, I’ve been lucky and have been able to grow my business this year.” But that’s impostor syndrome rearing its head. It wasn’t luck. It was taking advantage of my skill set and opportunities. It was making good decisions. I’ve worked for this, and I’m grateful that I’m seeing some success, but I earned it. I didn’t stumble across it.
I wish that I didn’t have this self-doubt, but maybe feeling like you need to be Wonder Woman isn’t so bad – after all, she did smash all kinds of box office records while defeating Ares, Dr. Poison, and all kinds of enemy soldiers. So hand me my bracelets, sword, and shield. I’m off to the fight!