In September, I decided to download Bumble, a dating app which requires women to make first contact in heterosexual matches. Yes, I am way behind the curve as Bumble was initially released back in December 2014 but after a brief unsuccessful stint with Tinder and Hinge prior to my last relationship, I wasn’t super eager to give dating apps another go. Here’s what using it has taught me about communication in the last three weeks:
Lesson 1: I don’t like texting with strangers
This one isn’t rocket science. I actually knew this before I downloaded Bumble (see the note about my previous dating apps experience). But, it does lead right in to…
Lesson 2: It is difficult to establish a communication flow via in-app chats
I am not a person who frequently struggles to make small talk in person. I find it relatively easy to maintain a back and forth and move from topic to topic. This is not the case for me with dating apps. Maybe it’s the delayed time between responses, as you may not necessarily be using the app at the same time. Or the fact that ghosting is rampant. Maybe it’s…
Lesson 3: Some users don’t understand how a conversation works
It’s difficult to come up with interesting open lines, especially when the person who you’ve matched with didn’t fill out their info section with something to use as a hook. I don’t claim to be great at beginning the conversational volley. But I do always ask a question to give them something to respond to. This is not always what I get in return. Some people don’t actually read your message at all:
Me: Hi! What do you do in LOCATION? I’ve only been using this app for a couple of days so I’m not sure yet exactly how the location works.
Them: NC. At least you aren’t in our division.
My profile says that I attended UNC-Chapel Hill. I have no idea what he is talking about. Is he talking about college or professional sports? NC is not the abbreviation for UNC. Maybe he’s referring to the Carolina Panthers? That’s also not their abbreviation. Are either of them playing today? His profile lists no sports affiliations and his school is one I’ve never heard of.
Me: Are you talking about football?
Them: SEC
As most people know, the SEC is a conference. UNC is in fact not in that conference, as they are part of the ACC. Neither one of these is a division – there are divisions within conferences that are large enough to need to split. The school he has listed is in neither of these conferences. He has not answered two direct questions. I give up on this conversation.
Some people don’t ask you questions in return or give you anything to build on:
Me: Hi! That’s a cute dog. Is he yours?
People who have pets typically enjoy talking about them. This seems like a safe opener.
Them: Yes, Petey’s mine.
I suppose at this point I could continue to ask follow-up questions about the dog. However, this would have worked substantially better had he added something like – What about you? Do you have any pets? OR really anything to progress the conversation.
And some people are just awkward:
A couple messages in…
Them: So what are you looking for from someone on here?
Me: A reasonable human being
Them: Aiming for the stars, I see
So far, so good. Seems to have a sense of humor. Nothing objectionable.
Me: I believe in rational expectations
They proceed to list about 7 specific things they are looking for out of someone they meet on the app. A little odd to me to have a laundry list, but ok, I guess you want to set expectations and most of them seemed relatively reasonable, except for this one: and someone open-minded in the bedroom.
Me: It’s a little early to be mentioning the bedroom, no? I’m not interested in hooking up with a stranger
Them: Good! Me either. Guys say that a lot and are lying, I know.
Sigh…you clearly are interested in hooking up. Which is fine. I’m not interested in it, but I’m sure you can swipe your way to someone who is. But let’s not bring it up in an awkward manner, then pretend like it’s not what you meant, and tell me the majority of men are liars. I will say, however, that in general I have received less creepy messages via Bumble than other apps I’ve used in the past.
Lesson 4: It is much harder to build a nuanced conversation
For anyone that has scoffed at the importance of nonverbal communication, gestures, tone, etc. using a dating app will change your mind. It’s very difficult to get an accurate vibe of a person without those contributing factors to the communication process. Even when you text or chat with someone you know, there can be misunderstandings. But chatting with a stranger with whom you have no baseline reference of their communication style, sense of humor, etc. makes it much harder to move beyond the (mostly boring) basics.
Lesson 5: Word choice is important
Other than a few photos, the written word is the only thing your match has to judge you on. Bumble is designed to get you chatting faster, rather than creating a full dating profile. So the words you use in chats matter.
Several normal text messages in…my match has informed me he recently moved to NEARBY LOCATION from outside of the area and has asked me if I usually go out there.
Me: I used to go out there when I lived there, but now I live in LOCATION so I tend to go out there or into DC
Them: Well then I will force you to come here for our date 🙂
At this point, he hasn’t asked me if I’m interested in meeting in person. As soon as I read the word force, I was done. I don’t know this person. I don’t like anyone saying that they want to force me to do something. It has a threatening connotation. Putting an emoji at the end doesn’t change that. Also, does he think that saying he wants me to come out of my way rather than meeting somewhere mutually agreeable would be a turn-on, even if it was using appropriate wording?
I freely acknowledge that not everyone may have these communication issues when using a dating app. I didn’t have a phone with text messaging until my mid-20s, and my AOL Instant Messenger and Gchat convos were with people I knew and notified you when they were online. I may very well just not have developed a communication style that works well within the dating app structure. But if nothing else, using a dating app has reminded me once again how important it is in every aspect of our life to be able to communicate effectively.
